WE MADE IT! Another week, another round of scrambling to get dressed each day, and watching baby grow and change!
This has been a doozy, and I can’t wait to share, so here we go!
Ways I am currently making myself and my family miserable:
- Getting irritated very easily. At everyone. Silently, but separately. What my family doesn’t know is no one is safe. My oldest daughter’s room is disgusting. This is a fact. However, I am talking about it to everyone but her. Mitch and I will go in there and talk about it, because it’s disgusting and WHY TF can’t she clean her room?! But, my youngest is also terrible and can’t clean up a single damn thing! SO, I need to complain about her to myself and everyone else, except, of course her. AND don’t even get me started on Mitch. Where tf did he get so much stuff?!(He always had it, has never bothered me, and usually I find it endearing) And was it always every-fucking-where? (It’s not) So I am texting my oldest daughter, telling her I am losing my mind because everything is so messy, and I am afraid to clean it because if he is going to need to use anything in the next month, he just purposely sets it out on the closest surface so he knows where it is. If I put away the wrong thing…I AM THE DEVIL!!!(No one has ever said this, I have just decided this in my own head).So, I get irritated. Some of it is warranted, but most of it is just my brain over-exaggerating the smallest indiscretion. To be fair to me, I truly cannot keep up with the mess either myself or my family are making to help keep back my depression. I really do wake up, clean, go to work, come home, clean again, and then make dinner or give in and order take-out and am too tired to finish cleaning the kitchen. There is no amount of cleaning that can keep up with my collector partner, my own “I can’t handle life right now closet searches” and 2 teenage girls and make my returning OCD brain happy. (I will share about this pregnancy induced symptom that happened with my second child at another time…but there are things that are returning and I am getting a bit nervous…)
- Cleaning. Yes, this is making my family miserable. There are 2 ways I accomplish this.
- I spend hours cleaning and moving through each room, but set stations for things I need to return to. I get tired and can’t finish these stations. Sometimes that means, the bottom of the stairs has stuff or things are in a basket on the counter. This then gets in the way for someone, or Mitch steps on a cord on some sort of electronic situation and hurts his foot…and gets mad and I get sad and frustrated because my unfinished cleaning has now severely injured a person I love but the cleaning is still not done. His frustration on this point is very fair, and I should probably find a different way to deal with this stuff, but it’s hard to change the way you have cleaned your house for the last 19 years…there is definitely a solution somewhere here.
- I put away and then forget where I put away something a loved one had pulled out for a project and now I have to spend the next 20 minutes wracking my brain and may or may not remember where I put away said items. Again. I am in the wrong…but it’s my nature to tuck things away…when l am not fighting baby brain, I usually know where I put them, lol.
- Crying. Everything makes me sad. Not enough attention. Dirty plates. Stolen donuts. My coffee being gone. The fact I can’t drink gin. The fact I want 2 different types of fast food and can’t decide. Mitch didn’t look at me long enough. He looked at me too long. He stepped left instead of right. The girls don’t love me and never call from Dad’s house. Facebook memory of Emma looking so damn cute. The cat looks so damn cute. Mitch is hitting on me. Mitch called me sexy. I can’t beat a level on Best Fiends. My boobs are too heavy. My pants don’t fit. I don’t want to make the bed. I don’t want to get up again and go to the bathroom. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to drive home from work. Mitch smells too good. Alayah was ridiculously supportive out of the blue. I am so proud of my cat for actually making the jump up the wall. No one loves me. I am too loved. Mitch said I couldn’t smoke weed or do something comparable and then hugged me when I cried and then did that laugh thing that says he loves me and I am being ridiculous. I am being ridiculous.
- Shopping. I hate it. Everything is stupid.
- Stealing. I am stealing everyone’s comfortable clothes. Nothing is safe.
Other things I would like to complain about:
- Pinterest. When did this start sucking so hard?! I remember when it first started, and you had to be invited. And it was filled with real people. And they were awesome. Like…here is my super ugly bathroom, and I am going to do some stuff to it… It’s still going to be a bit ugly, but not as ugly, and it only cost me $50.00. But, while I was doing it my family sucked, and I will talk about that too…oh and I made my Grandma’s cobbler, and here is a low light photo of the best food ever.
- I want to note. I have no doubt this is a me thing. But searching for shit on Pinterest used to bring up real ideas, and content and now it brings up a perfectly photographed recipe or concept that is either an advertisement, or is the most basic repeated crap that it’s BORING AF. What happened to the real people?! (This is not a real question, as I fully know the ones who monetized are the boring shit now, and the ones who didn’t moved further down the search until they all but dissipated)
- Books. My only real complaint is I can’t decide on one to read, so I just stare at my piles with indecision and now haven’t read a single book in almost a year.
- My bladder. I AM SO SICK OF PEEING! That is not a phrase I usually shout. But, I bought the cheap toilet paper last time I was at the store, because I had a moment of insanity, and it’s like wiping with cardboard. And I have to use it ALL THE TIME. Like every 5 minutes! Fuck this shit.
THE ACTUAL REAL PROBLEM:
None of my meds, that treat my attention and mood disorder issues are approved for pregnancy. This post is a bit down, because I am severely struggling. There is nothing shittier than hearing the little glimmer of light you were waiting and hoping for will not be coming. I will have to learn and adapt to coping mechanisms to keep me from severe depression.
On top of that, without the help of the meds to focus during this time, work has become almost unbearable. Sitting for 8-10 hours at a time emailing and securing bookings and sales, which is something I usually enjoy… when medicated and able to focus, is now like being held down on a chair built of nails.
The restless legs and need to continuously do something with my body is returning, and ability to relax or enjoy relaxing is difficult. Couple that with being absolutely exhausted, I have a recipe built for disaster.
This baby truly doesn’t feel real yet, which is weird to say with a belly that is showing so much so early, but yet it’s true. It’s grown to the size of a blueberry, or so, and I have grown to the size of a tow truck, which doesn’t seem fair.
Trying to find joy, or just something bright to end this post…and I am struggling. That doesn’t mean I am not thankful.
I can find gratitude today in:
- My children. Both the girls have been trying to give me extra love. Alayah, still comes to give me goodnight hugs, and the moment we are able to share, even fleeting reminds me she still needs me. And she got a new job last week, so will start having her own money, which makes me so proud. Emma, who is not naturally inclined, has been jumping in and is wanting to help me cook and clean when I am in the kitchen. She also is spending more time with us, and joining in on things that she hadn’t really before.
- Mitch. He is literally my rock, partner, and sex god. He has been patient and loving and trying to help as best he can. He took me on the best date to the food court this week, and laughs at me when I need to be laughed at. And he makes me feel beautiful when I look in the mirror and see an over-sized ogre. He also bought me the best pregnancy pillow, and it holds my entire body like a thick supportive hug(He did find this on recommendation from a good friend as well, and that is always a great starting place). He first bought me this one, however I did not find this one supportive. It was very flimsy, the zip off feature unnecessary for me, and came with non-complete stitching, so began falling apart where the zipper attachments were immediately. I also found the place the zipper was to be uncomfortable and pokey against my skin.
- My co-workers. My boss is incredible. She has jumped in to take things off my plate when I have been overwhelmed, and is so easy to talk to without feeling like admitting I am struggling, means I am failing. She is solution based, and realistic. My daily work partners let me complain, and pull it together, and sit down and look at things with me when my head is just not wrapping around them. They are a true team, and I feel supported and able.
- Coffee exists and I can’t still drink 1-2 cups a day. And I can add a scoop of cocoa and make it even better.
So, today, as I battle some true depression, I am trying to remind myself of the good in the people I love, even if they do irritate me, and I them, quite a bit right now.
Today, we are actually reaching 7 weeks and 5 days, so closer to 8 weeks…but the photo is from at almost exactly 7 weeks.
Tuesday we will see our baby again for a second ultrasound. Being old has it’s perks I guess! We have definitely had some big changes in mood and energy since 6 weeks, so we are moving ahead at full speed!
There will be more to post then. And, since I am using this blog to survive today, I may have another post yet on something totally unrelated to my misery!
If you are reading along, thanks for joining! Let me know how you felt at 7 weeks…I am sure it’s not just me!!
xoxo
-d-
